Sydney's Child

You could be forgiven for wondering how generations of women have managed to successfully raise children without the assistance of publications like Sydney’s Child, a free monthly magazine jam packed with stories from the trenches of motherhood and boxed text adverts for things you definitely need, things you probably need and things you just can’t do without.

I first found out about Sydney’s Child while we were planning our year away and it came so highly recommended that I even tried to read it online because I foolishly assumed it would contain lots of useful information to help smooth our settling into life in a new city.

But reading even parts of the magazine left me feeling exhausted and useless and like some sort of slacker because I just can’t live up to this city’s ideal of motherhood, though when you read the thing through, you wonder who can, and anyway, what sort of woman believes this stuff?

Stuff like “Boost your child’s self esteem by having their toddler paintings lovingly framed for your sitting room walls”. I mean, imagine buggering up all that lovely Poplak wall paper and pulling down your limited edition watercolours in favour of “Spaghetti on Canvas”. Get real!

Anyway, if you want to know what yummy mummyhood's like in Sydney, here’s a list of the larger adverts I spotted in the September edition today; all essential services for those who have little else to do other than obsess over their children:-

Medical Treatments (8 adverts, including help for bedwetting, childhood althritis and pigeon toes)
Neon Nits lice egg locator spray (1)
Film, dance, fashion and drama auditions for your kids (9)
Sport and Movement classes (10 months plus -20)
How to get your figure back after having a baby classes (2)
Trapeze and circus lessons (2)
Speech, language, literacy and maths issues (6 months plus – 15)
Discipline Consultants (1)
Nanny Agencies (9)
Pool safety products (2)
Organic cockroach removal (1)
Swimming classes (3)
Organic lettuce deliveries (1)
Family food consultant (1)
Wellness cordial delivered to your (polished) doorstep (1)
Toilet paper delivery (1)

And perhaps unsurprisingly:-

Divorce Lawyers (2).

It seems you're nobody in the eastern suburbs until your pigeon-toed offspring gets nits, but at least there are plenty of people to turn to when it happens.