Hideous

Requests to Chopperdoc filter through the system remarkably quickly, especially with Christmas only a week away.

Today we took possesion of our new (second-hand) sofa from its previous owner at Bondi Beach, who has tried and failed to convince us that it's twelve months old. The man who came to move it also helped us take the old ones downstairs as we have arranged for the council to collect them on Monday. You will see from the photograph that they're not only cruel on the eyes but also remarkably small; the shopping trolley adds great perspective.

What you can't see is the smell of old, damp sofa.

I did try to give them away by advertising them in the local free newspaper. The advert ran as follows -

"Two hideous floral sofas, totally knackered but suitable for backpackers or students or anyone else who doesn't care about their home. Available for collection on the morning of Saturday 23rd. Call me or they're going to the tip".

Unsurprisingly, this attracted no calls, not until this morning after we'd arranged them artistically on the pavement in the hope someone would take pity. Then a lady rang, a lady who confirmed my suspicion of Australia as a nation of skim readers for whom irony and sarcasm goes straight over the head.

"Hi, how are you?"

"Erm, good thanks"

"Oh that's great to hear"

"Sorry - who is this?"

"I'm wondering if the couches are still available"

"Well as far as I know they're on the pavement outside but they might have gone by now because there's a shopping trolley parked right next to them"

"Okay, what's the address please? I'll send my husband down to look at them"

"Your husband? Oh look, if you're not a backpacker or a student then you won't want them, they're hideous. They're small and uncomfortable and they smell like an old man"

"Really? Okay, well thanks for telling me, you've saved us a trip"

The removal man was more optimistic for their prospects.

"They're not so bad" he said. "I mean, I've shifted worse. I'll give them four or five hours on the street and they'll be gone. If this was Bondi I'd say an hour".

Christmas minus seven days.