Planning Meeting

An unusual day at work today because we were having a planning meeting, though nobody had told me about this, nor had I received the questionnaire about my life at work, the questionnaire asking staff to nominate their three wishes for 2008.

The department I work for had some huge structural changes this time last year, changes which came about because nobody was happy. Things got so bad they had to hire a HR consultant to come and sort it out, but even she wasn't up to the job because the first planning meeting ended up in a slanging match and afterwards, a whole bunch of them resigned their posts.

After that, the HR consultant helped work out some sort of strategic recovery plan so the new staff coming into post would feel happier. Today marked a year since the beginning of the recovery plan, time for the department managers to reflect on their successes.

"I've gotta say" she began, "I was dreading coming in here today. I came here twelve months ago and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. And the staff satisfaction survey rated your satisfaction with your work at 40%"

She started fiddling with her powerpoint presentation; a pie chart came gliding into view from the righthand side to prove her point - sure enough, 60% of staff were deeply dissatisfied this time last year.

"And what great strides we've made" she continued, clicking her mouse to reveal a new pie chart, "70% of you are now happy with your jobs. I think that deserves a round of applause"

And with that the senior management began the clapping and the rest of the staff followed. All of them except Jackie and I.

"But they didn't survey the same set of staff" I whispered to Jackie. "The 60% who were deeply dissatisfied have all buggered off. The 70% satisfied are all new members of staff"

"Exactly" she muttered back through the corner of her mouth. "And they think we haven't noticed"

As soon as the clapping had died down, the management team were on their feet with a few announcements of their own; first an enormous bunch of Asiatic lillies for the HR lady, and secondly an attractive array of cupcakes from a swanky shop downtown; one for everyone, each with a birthday candle stuck through its icing to celebrate the year since our new beginning. The CEO lit each cake with a match before giving the green light to tuck in. The thin girls ate the decorations from the top. Those of us with hips ate the lot.

Afterwards it was time to look in more detail at the results of the staff survey. What was good about the job? What needed to change?

"I don't see any of my comments reflected in these results" said Hilary, our British psychologist. The accent said Oxford, the face said Sydney. "What did you do with the originals?"

"I shredded them" said Mary. "I made notes then put them through the shredder, but I did read them and the results are all collated here"

"No they're not" replied Hilary. "My comments have not been included"

Mary pursed her lips and crossed her legs. The HR lady jumped in with another powerpoint slide and saved the day.

"Firstly, your opinions on what needs to change. Day to day things, the salary sacrifice system needs reform, you don't like having to bank a benefits cheque every month. Mary, is that something your financial controller can fix?"

"Er sorry" interrupted Hilary, "There are far greater issues at stake here. Job security for a start"

"I don't follow" said Mary, who clearly followed but needed more time to think of her response.

"Well, in an organisation where you make people redundant on maternity leave, I mean, we're left wondering who's next. You called Yvette in for a meeting about returning to work and told her she wouldn't be returning at all, not now, not ever. Her post has become obsolete. If the department is in such bad financial shape, perhaps you want to share that with us"

Jackie unfolded her legs and crossed her arms. "Tin hat anyone?"

"Popcorn?" I offered

Mary went red in the neck and said she had no information about any financial position, just the research co-ordinator's job was no longer required. She'd taken on the role herself.

"Hmm" signed Hilary, shuffling papers on her knee. The lack of eye contact spoke volumes.

"Right" said the HR lady. "So we'll look into the matter of the benefits cheque. Now I've given you all some post-it notes and I want you to write your biggest wish for 2008 on the sticker and post it onto this whiteboard". The room was buzzing with wishes for 2008. I sat with my pen wondering what I was supposed to say. World peace or just a bit more legroom in economy? What to write?

In the event I wrote some wishy-washy statement about continued success in the same direction, you know, using lots of corporate speak and buzz words. Then I sat down and waited while the HR lady read out the general themes.

"Excuse me" said Hilary. "What about mine?"

"This one? Oh, well, it says you'd like effective and approachable management and a transparent salary spine"

"I want to know what the CEO earns" she replied flatly. "And the fundraisers and the people who handle the financial side of things. The clinician's salaries are open for viewing, why not theirs?"

"This is going to kill you, Sarah" said Jackie. "Far too confrontational for the British"

"You're not joking" I replied. "I can hardly bear to watch, it's like The Office. We don't do this in Britain; we don't bring things out into the open and we don't mention money. I might have to go and lie in a dark room if this carries on much longer"

"I think Hilary's adapted quite well" she replied, "for a pom"

I can't tell you much about what happened in the afternoon because I was busy hyperventilating in a corner, though I do know that the issue about the CEO's salary was never resolved; Mary had already looked into it and found it's commonplace for CEO salaries to remain shrouded in mystery. Funny how she was prepared for the question though, perhaps she'd read it somewhere before.